Sunday, May 06, 2012

Hey idiots, this isn’t Oakland

This is the top of the 9th and that is Santiago Casilla pitching for a save at AT&T Park a week ago.  And those idiots in back of the ump are doing The Wave. 

While San Francisco doesn’t have the let’s-boo-Santa Claus mentality of Philadelphia, we on the left coast have plenty in our competitive gas tanks.  I’ve been to many a ball park across this nation and I’ll have to say that San Francisco Giants fans are a good breed.  They aren’t as insane as maybe the Red Sox fans, but a hell of a lot better than most teams.  And Giants fans have a set of rules for attending ball games.  They are rules that are for the health and welfare of God faring, American baseball fans that wish to see a good ballgame because they are sick of the drunken slum that is Candlestick Park, the choke artists at the Shark Tank in San Jose, or the Warriors. 

Rules like you don’t stand while someone is in the batter’s box.  It’s rude, and while you might think your girlfriend is “that pretty” enough to stand, we all think she’s had one too many lip locks on a Giants Dog and is probably hanging with you in an attempt to slump bust her way out of an 0-15 coed softball streak.  Sit down.

Rules like you don’t wear a sticker on your baseball hat.  Real fans have a worn lid.  Losers that think that holographic stickers are swaggerific are the kind of guys that people in the bleachers will beat up after the game near the Willie McCovey statue.  Tear off the sticker or it (and you) will be taken care of.

Rules like YOU NEVER, EVER DO THE WAVE AT A SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS GAME!  It’s verboten.  Fans hate it.  Players hate it.  Kruk and Kuipe hate it.  God hates it!  That’s right, God hates The Wave at AT&T Park.  See all those idiots standing?  What you didn’t see was Matt Cain opening the Ark of the Covenant in the dugout and all those Wave morons melting like the NAZIs.  It was a gruesome sight but sometimes an example has to be made.  And nobody pitied them at all. 

So ixnay on the standing and sitting and enjoy the ball game.  If you want to hop up and down because the baseball sucks, go to Oakland.    

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