Sunday, April 20, 2008

If only I was able to send this out

Thanks to Scheiss Weekly (check the blogroll).

Dear Parents, Siblings, Friends, Neighbors, Spouses, Fiancees, and Ex-Fiancees of my students:

While I appreciate the concern all of you feel, from time to time, about the grades, attendance, and overall class status of the students in question, please allow me to remind you that the law prohibits me from giving you the slightest detail of his/her standing in my class.

No, I cannot tell you whether or not a student was present on any given day.

No, I cannot tell you whether or not a student is passing or failing.

No, I cannot tell you what assignments a student is missing, and even if I could it wouldn't matter because at the college level, there are no make-ups.

No, I cannot give you the assignment due next Monday.

I can give this information only to the student himself/herself, and I never do that over the phone because how, then, would I know it's not YOU instead of the student?

Thanks for asking.

Sincerely,
Insensitive Professor

P.S. Yes, I understand that you are paying all of this student's fees, tuition, and books, but I still can't tell you.

P. P.S. I work really hard to make my lessons as interesting and memorable as I possibly can, but if a student is not there, how can he/she benefit from it? Yes, we covered Chapter 28, but we did far, far more than that. I guess you had to be there. . . .

Maybe the best way to help high school students is start actually start treating them like college students. Maybe the same could go for parents too.
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