Tuesday, January 29, 2008

The State of the Union Highlights Analysis, the 2008 Edition

Yes folks it is that time again. In 2006 we watched Cindy Sheehan get bounced off The Hill on her ass for protesting the Iraq War. In 2007 we watched Freshmen congresswomen throw themselves at Georgey in some attempt to get noticed by the "Most Powerful Man in the World". 2008 is the last time that President Bush Jr. will take the stage at the House of Representatives and wow the world with his incisive commentary. Here are the highlights.

Highlight #1:
Ok, so here is the entry of Barack Obama into the House chambers before the President's State of the Union. Let's be honest, we will don't care about Bush's speech. We care about the reaction between Bush and Hillary Clinton. My hope is that Clinton is tackled by Obama sometime in the 35th minute.

Highlight #2:
Dick Cheney is rather disappointed that his reign as Emperor is over. No other American has impacted the ideal of the "Imperial Presidency" than this guy. He was the symbol of the power of the Executive Branch.

Highlight #3:

"Why yes George, I think you are pretty much fucked", Nancy comments.

Highlight #4:
"But in the short run, we can all see that that growth is slowing. So last week, my administration reached agreement with Speaker Pelosi and Republican Leader Boehner on a robust growth package that includes tax relief for individuals and families and incentives for business investment".

Ok, if you honestly believe that the "stimulus package" will do anything to the economy, you are a prototypical American fool. It's political, nothing more.

Highlight #4:

"Yo Ted".
"Er, yeah Osama.....Obama.....er.......Barack".
"Think Bill would mind if I hit that"?
"You want to 'hit that"?
"Well sure! Her negatives are so damn high, most Americans will applaud me for it"?
"Ohhhhhhh...you mean hit THAT. I see. Damn, I need another drink. Hey Blama, have I ever told you about the time I went swimming....."

Highlight #5:
"Six years ago, we came together to pass the No Child Left Behind Act, and today no one can deny its results."

Yep. Thanks to this unfunded mandate we will be laying off teachers, assessing whether or not sports are an option, not buying technology that was created in this decade, and going to conferences where some shrill named Susie will talk about diversity and how teachers need to help ELL students by stroking the kid's nationalism to Mexico. The proof IS in the results.

Highlight #6:

Hillary is deeeeeeeeeeeeeeenied some lovin by the Senator from Illinois. The only reason Kennedy is shaking her hand is because he thought that she said, "Let me buy you a beer", when it was actually "Nice to see you here".

Highlight #7:

"We are winning in Iraq.......blah, blah.........blah, blah........patience young one.......blah, blah......."-As quoted in the State of the Union 2004.

"We are winning in Iraq.......blah, blah.........surge works......blah, blah........patience young one.......blah, blah......."-As quoted in State of the Union 2008.

Highlight #8:

"Hey Joe, think I can make Obama go away like Vince Foster"?

Highlight #9:
So the painfully boring and lame SOTU speech is over and the best line from Bush during the night?

"Hey Buddy! How's it going"?
(says Bush to Obama)

The real winner of the night was Senator John McCain, who was smart enough not to attend the dog and pony show and stay in Florida to fight for the primary.
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