Sunday, July 08, 2007

A real Live Earth assessment

First of all, Live Earth, like most of these symbolic, egotistical exercises in "civic responsibility", is a joke. Some dumb ass promoter rang the bell of Al Gore, pulling him away from the Big Mac, and got him to commit to some huge Farm Aid/Live Aid/Aid for Whomever Looks Impoverished style concert that will bring a lot of young people to concert venues to become more environmentally aware........or to get drunk, get high, and flash Sting their boobs. Of course, most of these singers are nowhere near the stage of even Bono in International awareness of anything, and are out to promote themselves. You think that these artists really give a shit about the environment? Try taking some almighty dollars away from them and then ask them to perform. Go to these artists' concerts, homes, tour buses, or luxury jets, and then tell me they give half a care about global warming.

However, some good bands were live so my wife Tivo'ed the sucker, and we watched it over three hours using a lot of fast forward. Here are the highlights:

Genesis: Phil Collins looks like he's living the good life and he sounded excellent.

Black Eyed Peas: Hey look, Fergie is back with the group. Fast forward.

Duran Duran: Sweet! Girls on Film! All together now; Girls on Film!

Red Hot Chili Peppers: Kalifornication is good, but I wish the network showed some old school. Anthony Keidus hardly looks like he aged.

Metallica: Enter Sandman is great, but James sounds ragged and old.

Beastie Boys: Still fucking rock! Even in their forties!

Pussycat Dolls: Um......Uh........Spice Girls dressed like Sin City hoes? Fast Forward.

Foo Fighters: Fast Forward

Madonna: The best act of the night! This lady still rocks the house! I may have to see her on
tour before she goes off into the virgin moonlight.

Fall Out Boy: Who? Fast Forward.

Melissa Ethridge: God. Get out. Fast Forward. Not fast enough.

Akon: Who? Fast Forward.

John Mayer: Sounded pretty good. Went on long, but sounded good.

Alicia Keys: Nice voice, but stick with the jazzy tunes. Leave the pop to Beyonce.

Dave Matthews Band: Ahhh classic. Nice interlude in a show full of crap, like the next artist.

Kayne West: Who in the hell is this guy? Seriously, all I hear is "UH" and "Yeeeeeeaaaaahhhhhhhh", and "Get yo hands up". Old school fo eva!

Kelly Clarkson: She can seriously sing, but her stage presence is terrible. She acts like a 16 year old kid on stage, a complete ditz. Both my wife and I notice that you could probably show the new Harry Potter film on her ass.

Bon Jovi: Fast forward to Dead or Alive and Living on a Prayer. My wife and I rehash high
school days and thank God we never met each other back then.

Smashing Pumpkins: Ew. This guy looks like he needs to get back to Folsom. Fast Forward.

Roger Waters: From Pink Floyd? My wife and I watch him with kids on the stage, singing from The Wall. We also see the floating pig. Something is not right. Roger Waters singing Pink Floyd makes you think of psychedelic beats, acid, and shrooms, not little kids singing on the stage.

The Police: Ok, Sting rules, let's get that straight. Rooooooooooxxxxxxxxxxxannnnnnnnnneeeeee. Yes, the band was in full effect and the songs were excellent. Even John Mayer came out and strummed along. Then came Kayne West. What the fuck????? He's singing Message in a Bottle????????????????? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fast
Foward.

Garth Brooks and Trisha Yearwood: Boy, they are married. Fast Forward.

Wolfmother: Who? Fast Forward.

Crowded House: Ahhhhhhh, an oldy and a goody. Pleasant music.

UB40: Red, Red Wine................nope, not in the mood. Fast Forward.

Joss Stone: Get out. Fast Forward.

Rihanna: You stole from Tainted Love, and therefore, you should be executed. Fast Forward.

Shakira: Um, she moves her.....um......wow.......uh.........Spanish something or other....um...

Lenny Kravitz: This man can play a guitar!

Nunatak: Hey, they're in Antarctica! Fast Forward.

And you had the presenters, the best of which was Chris Rock, who played to his strengths. The worst of which was Al Gore, who is now on my list of media whores that include the likes of Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, Sean Penn, and Rush Limbaugh. He needs to "go away" more than any human on the planet.

How effective was the concert? How about quoting Chris Rock?

"I think that this event will do for global warming what Live Aid
did to end the global hunger problem."
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